Election Day Bonus Episode

S2E6 Election Day in Muckey Landing

MUSIC - THEME SONG UNDER

VIRGIL
Hi, it’s Virgil Slatter. Just wanted to update y’all on how election day went in Muckey Landing.

Booty Sheets got himself arrested again. Chief Cheefe charged him with attempting to vote without pants. ‘Course the judge will just throw it out again, because there’s no law on the books about voting without pants. The chief just can’t figure out how to spell indecent exposure.

Harmon almost wasn’t able to vote again this year. Our ninety-two-year-old Sunday School teacher, Ms. Gooch, is a poll worker, and the restraining order she took out hasn’t expired. She lives right across the street from the polling place, which is normally the firehouse except on election day, and Harmon usually sneaks in when she runs across the street to get her lunch outta the fridge. But it seems somebody gave her a lunchbox with a pocket for an ice pack for Christmas last year, so she was brown-baggin' it and not budgin' a lick at lunchtime. Harmon had to ask Buck Firken, who signed up to be a poll watcher, to let him know when Ms. Gooch took a pee break. Buck got so busy watchin' the flagpole out front that Ms. Gooch had already hit the ladies room twice before he remembered to call Harmon.

Looks like the Flames of Fire and Grace Right Primitive Baptist Church is looking for a new youth minister again. Their most recent new youth minister got himself in a little trouble telling the congregation to vote a straight party line.  See, here in Muckey Landing we don’t like that kind of thing. We kinda figure it’s a small enough town you should know everybody on the ballot, at least to say hi to. It’s kind of rude to not vote for somebody you know just because of which party they happen to be with. We’d rather not vote for ’em cuz they let their grass get too long in the summer.

Voter turnout in our little town was pretty big this year. My sister Velma over at the T and G said a lot of folks were coming in to fortify themselves for the wait with beer and watchin' the strippers. Mama Slatter said the girls were all making a little extra wearing campaign buttons as pasties. Velvet almost started a fight when she got the two candidates running for sheriff counter-rotating while she was on the pole. Pretty impressive for a senior citizen with sciatica.

Velma did get a little pissed at the 
Universal Unitarialist Church of Unbridled Enthusiasm for the way they ran their Get Out the Vote campaign. Seems they were usin' their official Come To Jesus Celebration Party Bus to bring voters to the polls, and things got out of hand when Mable Sprout got behind the bar and started handin' out Buttery Nipples to everybody on board. Bus stopped by the firehouse six times before anybody finally got off to vote, and it was really cutting into Velma’s business for awhile. Velma ended up cutting a deal with Brad, the preacher over there, to suspend her cover charge if he would use the party bus to drop voters off at the T and G after they voted. Mabel moved her Buttery Nipple operation to the small bar to the left of the T&G stage, and everybody was happy for awhile.

The local Amish refused to vote for the 34th straight election. Ya know, most Amish sects don't vote anyway because they don't believe in secular politics. Here in Muckey Landing, our Amish have no problem with voting, but  they think the curtains on the voting booths are too gaudy. Personally, I thought the red white and blue curtains were kind of patriotic.

All in all, it was kind of a typical election day in Muckey Landing. We’ll know who won tomorrow when Ms. Gooch counts the votes. The polls closed at 8 o’clock and that’s past her bedtime. Besides, no one would hear about it anyway because the radio station has been playing Alice’s Restaurant on repeat for 11 hours straight, which means Mitch Pohunk is passed out drunk again.

Hope y’all had a good election day wherever you are, and remember, if you didn’t vote, nobody wants to hear you complaining.
BRING UP MUSIC TO END OR FADE
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