Harmon Hears a Moo

S2E2-E3: Harmon Hears a Moo
MUSIC - THEME SONG UNDER
INTRO
Welcome to Muckey Landing: population four hundred forty-one - and a half. It’s an odd little backwater in a lower, slower corner of the tiny state of Delaware, mostly known for being not too far from someplace you’d rather be. I’m Virgil Slatter. Me and my partner Harmon Truesdale own the Muckey Landing Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium at the corner of  St. Jones and Broad. If you were looking for that shark-in-a-box on a deer stand out in front of that bait shop in Odessa, and you end up here by mistake — that’s how most folks find Muckey Landing, unless they were born here — be sure to stop by to say hi. If it's Monday, take a seat over on the diner side and order Harmon's apple-scrapple-stuffed flounder over bologna dumplings - it's somethin' special, I'm telling ya...

Muckey Landing: a sort of a podcast. Season 2, Episode 2: Harmon Hears a Moo.
SCENE 1: STORE INT.
SFX: MUSIC FADES INTO HARMON'S ENTRANCE. DOORBELL/DOOR OPENS. WE HEAR WIND BLOWING OUTSIDE AS HARMON ENTERS. DOOR CLOSES, HARMON STOMPS SNOW OFF HIS SHOES, 
HARMON
(Out of breath)
Hey, Virg, sorry I'm late, I had to scrape the snow off the windshield this mornin', and when I got done with that, I had a real  hard time gettin' the Bluesmobile started.
SFX: QUICK FOOTSTEPS AS HARMON HURRIES TO THE COUNTER, RUBBING HIS HANDS
Whew! It finally got COLD, didn't it? My hands are frozen!

VIRGIL
Yeah... snow's coming down good. Dale of Dale's Weather of Delaware and Used Car Parts and the DEMA Dude are both sayin' we may get six or seven inches before all's said and done, with more on the way.
HARMON
I was gonna make a run up to Camden-Wyoming Market to pick up fresh flounder for today's lunch special, but no way. I GOTTA get the heater in that car fixed. It was so warm up to now that I was kinda hopin' I could get through the winter without worrying about it. Then BLAM, Ol' Man River roars in on a Harley and shits ice and snow all over us.
VIRGIL
Old Man Winter. Ol' Man River's a song from an old movie. Think it was called "Slow Boat," something like that.
HARMON
Never heard of it.
VIRGIL
I'd say you need to get that passenger side window replaced before you think about gettin' the heater fixed.
HARMON
Yeah. Garbage bags and duct tape work OK for rain, but they sure don't keep the cold out. I'm still pissed about that damn deer. I gotta pay out of pocket to get that window replaced.
VIRGIL
You gotta watch out for deer around here, especially out on the back roads. They do cause some nasty accidents.
HARMON
Yeah, but usually your car's MOVIN' when it happens. I was sittin' at a stop sign mindin' my own business when a fuckin' deer runs up and kicks out my window! And I know it was dark and it happened really fast, but I swear that little asshole stuck its tongue out at me before it turned tail and ran off into the woods back behind Yoder's place. 
VIRGIL
Sounds like you were the victim of a gang initiation for juvenile delinquent deer.
HARMON
Go ahead and laugh, Virg. That particular close encounter of the furred kind has got me real paranoid about makin' stops. I mostly just blow through 'em these days.
VIRGIL
Maybe you oughta think about adding warning lights and a siren when you get that window fixed.
HARMON
Yeah, I --
(A beat)
You hear that?
VIRGIL
Hear what?
HARMON
Not sure...  You know what's weird, though -- I thought I saw a cow in my backyard this mornin'.
VIRGIL
You WHAT?
HARMON
I thought I saw somethin' looked kinda like a cow out back, but by the time I got to the window, it was gone. Probably just another fuckin' deer.
VIRGIL
Bet if you hadn't spotted it, it would've let all the air outta your tires and poured sugar in your gas tank...
HARMON
Boy, you're a regular Ron Rickles this mornin', aren't ya?
VIRGIL
Never heard of him. At any rate, with the weather bein' what it is, I don't expect we'll have too many cows, or deer, or even people stoppin' by the store today. Why don't you take your coat off and go on back and warm yourself up in front of the wood stove. I got her started when I came in, so she should be crankin' pretty good right about now.
HARMON
(Excited)
Oh, bless your little black heart, Virg!
SFX: FABRIC RUSTLING AS HARMON TAKES OFF HIS JACKET
(A beat)
Oh, hey! This is the first time you've fired up the wood stove this winter! I don't suppose you... 
VIRGIL
(Chuckles)
Got your mug right here... 
SFX: VIRGIL PLACES MUG ON COUNTER, THEN PULLS THERMOS FROM BELOW THE COUNTER

And a big hot thermos of my special winter pick-me-up coffee to celebrate the first wood fire of the season!
SFX: WE HEAR ALOYSIUS TROTTING UP FROM THE BACK OF THE STORE UNDER THE NEXT LINES
HARMON
Aw, man, Virg -- you have just turned my frown upside down! I just may have to do a little happy dance here.  
VIRGIL
Please don't. It's too early in the morning to watch you gyrate and bite your lip.
SFX: ALOYSIUS ARRIVES AND GROWLS
HARMON
Aw, shut up, Aloysius. 
SFX: ALOYSIUS GROWLS LOUDER
VIRGIL
ALOYSIUS! Cut that out!
SFX: ALOYSIUS YAWNS AND TROTS OFF
VIRGIL
Guess he didn't wanna see your happy dance either. 
HARMON
I think the only thing Aloysius wants to see me do is die.
SFX: ALOYSIUS BARKS HAPPILY FROM A DISTANCE
VIRGIL
(Off mic, yelling at the dog)
ALOYSIUS! GO LAY DOWN!
SFX: DOG TROTTING AWAY, FOLLOWED BY OFFICE DOOR SLAMMING IN THE DISTANCE
VIRGIL
(Yelling at the dog)
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THAT DOOR?!?... Damn dog.
HARMON
I don't know why your dog hates me.
VIRGIL
You got a real way with animals, Harmon. Unfortunately, it seems to be a way of makin' 'em hate you.
HARMON
Aw, c'mon, Virg - just 'cause Aloysius isn't "in love" with me doesn't mean all animals hate me.
VIRGIL
How about Dickie Butz's Doberman?
HARMON
Dickie Butz! I HATE that guy! 
VIRGIL
His dog seems to feel the same way about YOU. He pees on your car every time Dickie takes him out for a walk.
HARMON
Which is why I have to leave my windows rolled all the way up, even in the summer. Dickie needs to trade that jacked-up mutt in on a chihuahua.
VIRGIL
And every time you go surf-fishin' down at the state park, word goes out to a squad of seagulls that you're available for shit-bombing practice.
HARMON
That only happened twice last year.
VIRGIL
That's because you only went surf-fishin' twice. And what about that time you were late for work because a sheep chased you up a  tree?
HARMON
You made your point, Virg. But I'm tellin' ya, not EVERY animal hates me. Some are downright indifferent.
SFX: VIRGIL POURS SMALL AMOUNT OF COFFEE AND HANDS MUG TO HARMON
VIRGIL
Here, wrap your hands around this. That'll warm 'em up.
HARMON
It would be warmer if the mug wasn't half-empty, Virg. 
VIRGIL
I don't trust you to walk around with a full cup.
HARMON
Aw, c'mon, Virg! I walk around with coffee all the time!
VIRGIL
And the front of every shirt you own is a solid testament to that. Actually, I just need you to give it a taste first and let me know if I got it right, then I'll fill ya up. C'mon, just lemme grab this --
SFX: VIRGIL GRABS THERMOS
VIRGIL
-- and let's get on back in front of that wood stove and get you warmed up.
HARMON
Lead the way, Virg!
FOOTSTEPS HEADING BACK TO STOVE, THEN CRACKLING FIRE AS THEY GET CLOSER
HARMON
So which special, life-giving, gut-warmin', ass-kickin' lip-smackin' coffee adulterator are you usin' this year?
VIRGIL
Wild Turkey.
HARMON
(Surprised)
Wild Turkey...! Wow!
(Making calculations in his head)
OK, hang on, hang on... lemme think for a minute. OK, yeah, got it. The last time your special pick-me-up coffee featured Wild Turkey was -- wait for it... two-thousand-and-TWELVE.
VIRGIL
I'll take your word for it.
HARMON
And before THAT, it was ought-six.
VIRGIL
OK, great. So tell me how you like --
HARMON
But interestingly enough, prior to ought-six, Wild Turkey was a regular in the coffee-spikin' rotation, showing up approximately every three years.
VIRGIL
Harmon, would you just taste --
HARMON
Two-thousand twelve to 2021 mostly featured Jim Beam, Old Granddad, and Captain Morgan in a pretty even rotation, except for 2015, when Uncle Yoder gave you that jar of Amish moonshine he got from his rumspringin' nephew in Pennsylvania.
VIRGIL
I thought we agreed to never talk about 2015.
HARMON
Yeah, who knew rumspringin' Amish moonshine would have that effect on you?
VIRGIL
There were no charges, never happened.
HARMON
So anyway, my point is that the 2012 to 2021 stretch was the longest Wild Turkey dry spell since pretty much the beginning of time. Except here it is again after all these years!
VIRGIL
Yo, Rainman! Stop calculatin' how many wild turkeys can dance on a pinhead, and taste this shit before it gets cold.
HARMON
OK, but pretty sure the answer to that would be ONE, Virg.
VIRGIL
Answer to what?
HARMON
To how many turkeys can dance on a pinhead. Just one, would be MY guess. Your average wild turkey is generally classified as one of your more big-ass birds.
VIRGIL
I'll remember that. Now drink up and tell me if I got the right turkey-to-coffee ratio.
HARMON
OK. Hey, wait a minute... did you just call me a pinhead?
VIRGIL
No, I called you a turkey.
HARMON
Oh, OK. ... Hey, there's that noise again. Did you hear it that time?
VIRGIL
Nope, didn't hear anything. What's it sound like?
HARMON
I dunno. Somebody screamin' or something.
VIRGIL
Well, I didn't hear hear it. It's probably just the wind howlin'.
HARMON
Sounds kinda like a... I don't know. Kinda creepy.
VIRGIL
Maybe it's one of your ex-girlfriends lookin' for ya.
HARMON
Ha, ha, Virg.
VIRGIL
So how about you stop listening for imaginary girlfriends, and taste that coffee for me, would ya? I haven't got all day here!
HARMON
Where's the whipped cream?
VIRGIL
Taste it first! I'm not adding whipped cream or anything else until I'm sure I got it right!
HARMON
How you gonna get it right if you don't add anything else to it?
VIRGIL
HARMON!
SFX: HARMON SLURPS A SIP OF COFFEE
VIRGIL
(After a beat)
Well...?
HARMON
(After a beat)
Needs more bird.
VIRGIL
I thought so. Finish that off while I doctor this up a bit more.
SFX: HARMON SLURPS THE REST WHILE VIRGIL ADDS A LARGE SLUG OF WILD TURKEY TO THE THERMOS, CAPS IT AND SHAKES IT
VIRGIL
OK, try it now.
SFX: VIRGIL POURS HARMON ANOTHER CUP, HARMON SLURPS
HARMON
Oh, FUCK yeah! Oh, you got it that time, Virg! Fill 'er up and hit me with the whipped cream!
VIRGIL
You have no idea how tempting that is. Now, let's do this right. You take that other chair there...
SFX: FOOTSTEPS AND CHAIRS CREAKING AS THEY SETTLE IN
VIRGIL

... while I pour myself a cup...
SFX: VIRGIL POURS A CUP OF COFFEE
VIRGIL
And whipped cream comin' right up..
SFX: TWO SQUIRTS OF WHIPPED CREAM 
VIRGIL
And GO!
SFX: BOTH SLURP COFFEE AND WHIPPED CREAM AT THE SAME TIME
VIRGIL AND HARMON
(Together)
Ahhhhhhh...
SFX: UP FRONT, THE DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS, WIND HOWLS AS VELMA ENTERS, DOOR CLOSES, LIGHT FOOTSTEPS
VIRGIL AND HARMON
(Continuing the "Ahhhh" from above)
...ahhhh...SHIT. 
VIRGIL
Get your mask on, Harmon, we got a customer.
HARMON
Damn. I'm puttin' my mug on the stove here to keep it warm, don't let me forget.
VIRGIL
Waste not, get wasted later.
VELMA
(Off mic)
Virgil? Where are you?
VIRGIL
(To Harmon)
Oh, it's my sister! No need for masks.
(Shouting toward the front of the store)
Velma, hey! Come on back here and warm yourself up!
SFX: WOMEN'S BOOTS COMING CLOSER AS VELMA HURRIES BACK
HARMON
(To himself)
Oh boy, it's VELMA! This is my lucky day!
VELMA
(Approaching)
Hey, big brother! Thank god you got the wood stove goin', I am FROZEN! Hi, Harmon, how's it hangin'?
HARMON
Better now that you're here! We only got the two chairs here -- you can sit on my lap if you want!
VIRGIL
Harmon!
HARMON
She started it.
VELMA
Thanks, Harmon, but I'm in a hurry this morning, I can't stay. 
HARMON
Damn.
VIRGIL
Want a cup of first-day wood stove pick-me-up coffee, Velma?
VELMA
(Enthusiastic)
First day wood stove coffee? Wow, this is my lucky day, isn't it! Yeah, pour me a stiff one, brother, I could use it.
VIRGIL
I'll get you a to-go cup from the kitchen since you're in a  hurry.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS HEADING AWAY TOWARD THE KITCHEN.
VELMA
Great, thanks.
HARMON
(Eager)
You know, that's exactly what I said!
VELMA
What... "Great, thanks"?
HARMON
(Awkwardly making conversation)
NO, no, no! I mean about it being your lucky day and all, and needin' a stiff one... Except, I didn't actually say anything about needin' a stiff one, you did, I wasn't even thinkin' about that when I came in the door, to be honest... but, hey, I got lucky anyway! Your brother, wow, that guy... talk about your fringe benefits! He took care of me before I even got my coat off! Gettin' a Virgil Special is a great start to the mornin', and I really wasn't even expectin' that today! That's what I meant about gettin' lucky, you know...
VELMA
Uh-HUH...
HARMON
Lucky you, though, you didn't expect a stiff one, either, and you came in here and we got 'em! Look at mine here, it's got the whipped cream on top and everything! You want a taste? Go slow, though, it's the hard stuff, it'll kick your ass! Or, uh... whatever... You know what? I'm gonna shut up now.
VELMA
(Laughing at him a  little)
Yeah, that was quite a mouthful, Harmon.
HARMON
(Weakly)
Was it?
VELMA
You talked me into it. Hand me your mug and lemme have a sip.
HARMON
Oh, sure! Here... OW!
SFX: CLATTER AS HARMON DROPS THE MUG BACK ON TOP OF THE STOVE

(Laughing it off)
Wo-ho-ho, that is really ha-...ha-...ha-... shit! It's ha-... DAMMIT! 
VELMA
It's hot?
HARMON
Yeah, that. That's what it is. The h-word.
VELMA
The h-word? Why can't you say "hot"?
HARMON
'Cause Virgil told me once he'll kick my ass if I say you and your sisters are ha-... ha-... See? And now I can't say it at all about ANYTHING. I think he hip-motized me.
VELMA
(Skeptical)
Right...
HARMON
(Testing it)
Ha- ha- Nope. Looks like I'm gonna be servin' scaldin' chocolate and uncomfortably warm dogs at the lunch counter for the rest of my life. Fuck you, Virgil! 
VELMA
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I always say when something weird happens to you, Harmon: That's really weird.
HARMON
I hear that a lot.
VELMA
Now...
(In a deep, sexy voice)
Can I have a taste of your... HOT coffee?
HARMON
(Weakly)
Oh, that is SO not fair... in SO many ways.
VELMA
(Laughing)
Sorry, I couldn't resist!
HARMON
OK, hang on, I got some back-up napkins in my pocket here...
VELMA
Back-up napkins?
HARMON
Yeah, you'd be surprised how often things get spilled around here.
VELMA
No I wouldn't.
SFX: WAD OF NAPKINS BEING WRAPPED AROUND A CUP HANDLE
HARMON
So I'll just wad these around the handle like that, and, uh... No, don't touch it, it's really ha-highly warm! Here, I'll hold it, and you take a sip.
SFX: SLURP AS VELMA DRINKS
VELMA
Mmmmm... now THAT'S what I call a stiff one! What did Virgil put in it this time?
HARMON
(Distracted)
Uh... big-ass bird...?
VELMA
What?
HARMON
(Distracted)
Um... uh... turkey! In the straw - in the wild, I mean... shit, Wild Turkey! Uh, Velma, you have whipped cream on your...
VELMA
Oh! Did I spill some? Where?
HARMON
No -- it's on your upper lip...
VELMA
(Laughing)
Oh, well, that's fixable... 
(She licks her upper lip to clean it off)
Mmm... Did I get it?
HARMON
Almost -- there's still a little bit... here, I've got more napkins --
SFX: WAD OF NAPKINS GETTING PULLED OUT OF HARMON'S POCKET (CLOTH RUSTLE)
VELMA
Jesus, how many of those have you GOT in there?
HARMON
-- I'll just peel off a few --
VELMA
I was thinking you'd put on a few pounds recently, but it looks like it was just napkin weight.
HARMON
Stop talkin' a second and lemme... there ya go, all clean and...
(Totally lost staring into her eyes)
...shiny. WOW... Do you know what color your eyes are?
VELMA
(Laughing)
I think I do, yeah.
HARMON
I never noticed, I, um... I don't think I've ever been this... close to 'em before...
VELMA
(Deep, sexy voice)
Harmon...?
HARMON
(Equally sexy)
Yeah, Velma?
VELMA
(Sultry as hell)
You might wanna use one of those napkins on your left nostril, you got a hanger there.
HARMON
Aw, SHIT!
VELMA
(Laughing)
Just kidding! But you do have whipped cream in your beard.
HARMON
Oh.
(Suggestive)
Well, you wanna wipe MINE off?
VELMA
Uh, no. I'm not actually sure that's whipped cream. Could be leftover breakfast egg.
HARMON
Jeez, Velma. Way to bring a guy down.
SFX: DISTANT SCREAMING SOUND OUTSIDE
HARMON
There it is again! Did you hear that?
VELMA
Hear what?
HARMON
That... animal, or THING - that... whatever it is out there! It sounds like it's screaming!
SFX: VIRGIL'S FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
VELMA
I think it was just Virgil coming through the kitchen door.
VIRGIL
(Approaching)
Sorry I took so long. Harmon, why the hell are you keeping the to-go cups in the walk-in freezer? Took me forever to find 'em!
HARMON
Don't judge, Virg. That's actually a great customer service idea of mine. People love gettin' cold drinks in a really cold cup when the weather's warm.
VIRGIL
It's 28 degrees and snowing outside.
SFX: VIRGIL UNSCREWING THERMOS AND POURING COFFEE INTO A PAPER CUP FOR VELMA
HARMON
Yeah, but folks still drink soda, even in the winter. Except for Mitch Pohunk. He just asks for a glass with an ice cube in it.
VIRGIL
Harmon, you're not keepin' a stash of bourbon under the counter for Mitch, are ya? We don't have a liquor license!
HARMON
No, he brings his own.
VIRGIL
That works. Here ya go, Velma.
VELMA
Whipped cream?
VIRGIL
Oops, forgot.
SFX: WHIPPED CREAM
VIRGIL
So what brings you in so early, Sis?
VELMA
Vinnie Jean, what else?
VIRGIL
Crap. What'd she do NOW?
HARMON
More important, what's she WEARIN' now?
VIRGIL
Harmon!
HARMON
Boy, touchy, touchy, touchy! Not my fault if your sister has the sexiest wardrobe in Sussex County!
VIRGIL
KENT County, Harmon. It's almost Sussex, but not quite.
HARMON
Just like Vinnie Jean - almost naked, but not quite.
VIRGIL
HARMON!... Look, why don't you do me a favor and run out back and bring in a few more logs for the stove. We're gettin' low.
HARMON
But I wanna hear about Vinnie Jean!
VIRGIL
Harmon. Get the wood.
HARMON
We're talkin' about Vinnie Jean, I already got -- 
VIRGIL
(Clears throat)
SFX: HARMON GETTING UP FROM CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS, MOVING OFF
HARMON
You know what, I'm not gonna touch that, out of respect for not wantin' you to have to beat me to a bloody pulp. 
SFX:BACK DOOR OPENS, WIND AND SNOW 
HARMON
But you gotta tell me what she was almost wearin' when she did whatever it was she did.
SFX:BACK DOOR CLOSES
VIRGIL
Sorry 'bout that. You know Harmon. So what's up with Vinnie Jean?
VELMA
Do you know where she is?
VIRGIL
No, where?
VELMA
No, I'm ASKING YOU if you know where she is!
VIRGIL
No, I have no idea. Isn't she at Mama's?
VELMA
No! We looked everywhere. I came over to see if she snuck over here, and Mama's calling all her boyfriends.
VIRGIL
I'd have driven her ass right back over to Mama's if she'd shown up here. Shit. This time she really is going to jail. That stupid kid -- she knows that ankle bracelet notifies the cops if she leave's Mama's house! AND gives them her location so they know right where to pick her up!
VELMA
I haven't talked to the cops, but I'm pretty sure they don't know where she is either.
VIRGIL
Why you say that?
VELMA
Because her ankle bracelet is lying on her bedroom floor.
VIRGIL
WHAT?!? How did she - ?
VELMA
She took Mama's cell phone this morning --
VIRGIL
Which she's NOT supposed to have access to --
VELMA
And when Mama checked it to see if Vinnie Jean had called anybody, it opened right up to a YouTube video about how to remove an ankle bracelet in under four minutes.
VIRGIL
Aw, shit.
SFX: VELMA MOVING OFF TOWARD THE FRONT OF THE STORE

OK, I gotta run, I've got some more places to check. Thanks for the coffee, and call me if you hear anything.
VIRGIL
Yeah, right... That dumb fuckin' kid.
VELMA
(Off mic at the front door)
You always did underestimate Vinnie Jean, Virgil.
SFX: DOOR OPENS, CLOSES AS VELMA LEAVES
VIRGIL
Apparently. Jesus.
SFX: VIRGIL PICKS UP HIS MUG AND TAKES A SIP OF COFFEE. THERE IS A MUFFLED SCREAM OUT BACK THAT CAUSES VIRGIL TO CHOKE ON HIS COFFEE, FOLLOWED BY HARMON'S MUFFLED SCREAM. HARMON SLAMS THE BACK DOOR OPEN AND IMMEDIATELY SLAMS IT SHUT AGAIN. VIRGIL DROPS HIS MUG ON THE FLOOR, BREAKING IT.
HARMON
(Totally panicked)
Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh SHIT! Oh, jesus, it's out there! In the snowstorm! I saw it! It's big, it's huge, it SCREAMED at me, I saw fangs, I SWEAR I did! Oh, god, it SAW me! It's ugly. Oh, god, is it ever ugly, Virgil, I never saw anything so ugly and evil, out there screamin' in the middle of a fuckin' blizzard! 
It was STARIN' at me, Virg! I don't know where it came from, all of a sudden it was just standin' there, out near the street!

VIRGIL
(Off mic)
HOLY SHIT! What the hell, Harmon? What the ever-lovin' FUCK?!? You scared the SHIT outta me!... Aw, jeez, look at this mess -- full cup of wood stove coffee gone to waste, mug broken... Where's the damn broom...
SFX: FOOTSTEPS MOVING AWAY

(From a distance)
The only thing I heard screamin' was YOU!

Oh, for fuck's sake...

SFX: VIRGIL'S FOOTSTEPS COMING BACK, THEN SWEEPING UP BROKEN COFFEE CUP
VIRGIL
(Approaching mic)
It was probably just some poor old stray dog lookin' for a handout...
HARMON
NO! It wasn't a dog! It WASN'T! The snow's fallin' so hard I couldn't make it out at first, but then it came right up in the yard. It was STARIN' at me, Virgil! Like it KNEW me! With those evil, glowing eyes!
HARMON
And then it SCREAMED! It screamed like a bat outta hell! I know what it is, Virgil, I KNOW what it is, and it's BAD, oh god, it is bad, bad, bad, BAD --
VIRGIL
Evil, glowing eyes?

Oh, for fuck's sake -- 
Harmon! HARMON!
SFX: VIRGIL SLAPS HARMON ACROSS THE FACE.
HARMON
OW! 
(A beat)
What'd ya do that for, Virg?
VIRGIL
Because I felt like it.
HARMON
(Still panicked)
We gotta do somethin', Virgil. We gotta call the cops! Have 'em get a swat team out here! Shit -- how do you get up with Scully and Moldy? That's some X-Files shit goin' on out there!
VIRGIL
We're not gonna call in a SWAT team because you saw a stray dog out by the woodpile!
HARMON
It wasn't a dog, I'm TELLIN' ya!
SFX: SOMETHING LARGE BANGS AGAINST THE BACK DOOR
VIRGIL
Whoa. That didn't sound good.
HARMON
It's that thing, Virgil, I'm tellin' ya! Oh, god -- it wants in! Do ya think it can get in? We gotta barricade the back door with somethin' heavy, Virg -- here, help me drag this wood stove over there!
(After a beat)
OW! SHIT! Ow, ow, OW! 
VIRGIL
You never learn, do ya, Harmon. How many times have I told you not to touch the wood stove when there's a fire in it? You ain't draggin' it anywhere anyway, it's bolted to the floor. Now just CALM DOWN, would ya? That noise sounded like somethin' big got blown over and hit the door. Maybe a branch off that old chestnut. I better take a look and see if there's any damage.
HARMON
NO! Don't go out there, Virg! For the love of all that is holy, do NOT open that door! You don't know what's out there, Virg. I DO! I've SEEN it!
VIRGIL
You're bein' ridiculous, Harmon. 
SFX: VIRGIL'S FOOTSTEPS HEADING TOWARD THE DOOR
HARMON
Oh, god, this is like every last horror movie I've ever seen, Virgil! Please don't be the stupid asshole that opens the door when everybody in the theater is yelling "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!"
SFX: ANOTHER THUMP ON THE BACK DOOR, FOLLOWED BY A MUFFLED SCREAM
VIRGIL
(Quietly and deliberately)
What the sweet hell was that...
HARMON
(Quietly terrified)
See? Now do you believe me? Don't do it, Virg, Don't open the door --
SFX: DOORKNOB BEING RATTLED
HARMON
It's tryin' to GET IN!
VIRGIL
Oh, for... HEY! WRONG DOOR! YOU NEED TO GO AROUND TO THE FRONT ENTRANCE!
HARMON
WE'RE CLOSED!
VIRGIL
No, we're not.
HARMON
We are to whatever THAT is!`

VIRGIL
It's probably just some kids foolin' around. They got a snow day today.
DOORKNOB TURNING
HARMON
It's opening the door! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
SFX: DOOR CRASHES OPEN, HARMON SCREAMS. WE HEAR WIND BLOWING AND HOOVES ON WOODEN FLOORBOARDS FOLLOWED BY A SCREAM 
SFX: WIND CONTINUES TO BLOW, SCARY VOICE FILTER ON NARRATOR
THEME SONG FADES IN.
OUTRO, PART 1 - NARRATOR
What broke through the back door? A gibbering demon summoned from the depths of hell? An Amish serial killer out for blood and a forbidden copy of Tractors and Jugs Monthly? One of Harmon's ex-girlfriends? Tune in to the next episode of Muckey Landing for the thrilling conclusion of "Harmon Hears a Moo"!