Lox, Socks, and Two Smoked Bolognas

S2 E4 Locks, Socks and Two Smoked Bolognas

MUSIC - THEME SONG UNDER

INTRO
Welcome to Muckey Landing: population four hundred ninety-nine - and a half. I’m Virgil Slatter. Me and my partner Harmon Truesdale own the Muckey Landing Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium at the corner of  St. Jones and Broad. If you got lost looking for that pancake house in Dover with the big Amish guy statue in front of it because they keep moving the statue around to other businesses, and you end up here by mistake — that’s how most folks find Muckey Landing, unless they were born here — be sure to stop by to say hi. While you're here, try one of Harmon's Red-Hot Chili Pepper Pigs Feet on a stick. Get a free small milkshake if you can eat the whole thing without passing out!

SC 1. INT: THE STORE, A SPRING MORNING

SFX: MUSIC FADES INTO DOOR OPENING, FOOTSTEPS AS HARMON RUSHES IN

HARMON
Hey, Virg, sorry I'm late, I stopped off by Yoder's place on my way in to pick up some fresh produce, and I had a little trouble gettin' outta there. Check out these radishes!

SFX: HARMON SLIDES HEAVY BOX ONTO COUNTER

VIRGIL
What happened?
HARMON
What's that?
VIRGIL
You said you had some trouble gettin' outta there. You run into somebody who wanted to talk?
HARMON
Nah, I was the only one there this mornin'. Well, aside from the girls workin' the produce stand.

SFX: HARMON RUMMAGING THROUGH A LARGE BOX OF RADISHES

Boy, LOOK at these big-ass beauties! Are they gorgeous or what?
VIRGIL
If you like radishes, which I don't. So what kind of -
HARMON
I'm gonna carve some of these into little radish flowers and use 'em as a topper for tomorrow's bologna and clam pasta bake.
VIRGIL
What kind of trouble -
HARMON
These are goin' in that empty spot where the rutabagas used to be. I can't believe Miz Pucker bought up every last one of those rutabagas I got up at the Vietnamese grocery in Dover last week. Who the hell needs that many rutabagas?
VIRGIL
She's makin' rutabaga noodle casseroles for a welcome dinner they're havin' for newcomers over at the Flames of Fire and Grace Right Primitive Baptist Church. So what did you -
HARMON
You'd think she'd know by now that her casseroles are scarin' off potential converts.
VIRGIL
Harmon!
HARMON
What!
VIRGIL
What happened while you were at Yoder's place?
HARMON
Oh, nothin'. Much.
VIRGIL
Spill it. What did ya do?
HARMON
Really, it wasn't anything. I was just talkin' with the girls workin' the stand. 
VIRGIL
The "girls"! Lavina Yoder and Graceless Zook are old enough to be your grandmother!
HARMON
Well, it wasn't them. Ya know, I always get those two mixed up -- which one is  the one who just grunts if you say anything to her?
VIRGIL
That's Graceless. She's a cousin of theirs, one of the West Dover Amish. You know, I've heard she was quite a looker when she was young.
HARMON
Seriously? Hard to believe.
VIRGIL
I know, but apparently she was. Caught the eye of a young fertilizer salesman out of New Jersey way back in the day, and she returned the sentiment. Problem was, he wasn't Amish. 
HARMON
Ooo, one of the English. That could be bad.
VIRGIL
Yeah. Her dad got wind of it just as Graceless and her fella were preparin' to sneak across the state line to Elkton and get married. Guy disappeared before they could run. Rumor has it he's still in the fertilizer business, only now he's supplying it from six feet under one of the Zooks' soybean fields.
HARMON
Wow. Ya think old Mr. Zook "made him an offer he couldn't refuse"?
VIRGIL
Dunno. But after the guy disappeared, Graceless not only refused to marry anybody else, she took a vow never to talk to another man again. Including her father.
HARMON
I can see that. Your dad doin' a Luca Brasi and sendin' your boyfriend to sleep with the soybeans kinda screws up the whole Norman Rockwood "perfect family" look.
VIRGIL
Norman Rockwell. And you been watchin' The Godfather again, haven't ya.
HARMON
Oh, yeah! Fired up the old VCR over the weekend and did a three-three-three mafia marathon. It was GREAT!
VIRGIL
What the hell is a three-three-three mafia marathon?
HARMON
Watched all three parts three times over three nights.
VIRGIL
Good god. I don't even know how that's possible - you put in a full day here at the store on Friday and Saturday, and a half-day on Sunday!
HARMON
Adds up to twenty-six hours and forty-five minutes all told. I almost gave up a little after three a.m. this morning, but ya know...
(imitating Al Pacino)
"Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in." Anyway, I did not know all that about Graceless Zook. Explains the grunts, though.
VIRGIL
Lavina and Graceless must be off visiting relatives or somethin'. Lucky for you -- that's a whole lotta ugly to be lookin' at first thing in the mornin'.
HARMON
You're tellin' me.
VIRGIL
So who was runnin' the produce stand?
HARMON
Oh, uh... just some cousins from Ohio. Sisters. Stayin' at the Yoder compound for a few weeks.
VIRGIL
Oh, yeah?
HARMON
And, uh... maybe lookin' for husbands or somethin'...
(Getting excited about the possibilities)
But here's the thing, Virg... they're actually triplets. AMISH TRIPLETS. And these gals are LOOKERS! And they're REAL friendly, if ya get my drift, not like the Amish from around here. The one I was mostly talkin' to said they'd just turned twenty-one -- so I'm guessin' they're all legal, too! 
VIRGIL
Harmon. You are NOT Amish husband material. Hell, you're not ANYBODY's husband material.
HARMON
I know that! But you know me, Virgil. I'm a sucker for a girl in a  bonnet. You know I had a fling with Psycho Bob's girlfriend, Raven, back before she stopped being Amish and turned goth.
VIRGIL
Yeah, you told me about that.
HARMON
Her name was Annabelle then. Annabelle Yoder. Boy howdy, she was somethin' else. I think about some  of our secret randy-voozes every time I pass a cornfield on a ha-... ha-... ha-... on a really toasty moonlit summer night. I hated to call it off.
VIRGIL
So why did ya?
HARMON
Well... you know, she was always a little intense -- you've probably noticed how she stares at you and doesn't ever blink.
VIRGIL
I have. A little unnerving, if you ask me.
HARMON
Yeah. So she started getting really pissed about me only seein' her at night out in the cornfield, and she went from "a little unnerving" to "downright scary." 
VIRGIL
So that's when you called it quits.
HARMON
Well, it actually took a while before I finally broke up with her, 'cause when she wasn't scarin' the shit outta me, she was a lot of fun. She finally told me towards the end there that she needed me to break into their house the next weekend while everybody was at the Stoltzfus's house for Sunday services, and haul out her hope chest so the two of us could run off and get married. I told her I wasn't gonna do that, so she came at me with a milk bucket and a big ol' kitchen knife, and I skedaddled.
VIRGIL
Smart man.
HARMON
So next time I went to meet her in the cornfield --
VIRGIL
You went BACK?
HARMON
One word, Virg: crotchless bloomers. She got word to me that all was forgiven, so off I went for a night of sweet romance. Only when I showed up, she had that damned bucket again and shoved it over my head. Next thing I knew, her five older brothers were beatin' the crap outta me.
VIRGIL
Hoo. That's cold.
HARMON
Well, you know what the Godfather says: "Revenge is a dish that tastes best when it is cold." Annabelle serves it cold in a galvanized bucket. 
VIRGIL
That's a lesson for ya, Harmon. You don't wanna mess with those Pearson's Corner Amish, and same goes for our local Amish here in Muckey Landing. Graceless Zook may have fallen for a Jersey fertilizer salesman, but you're just FULL of shit, not sellin' it. Those Yoder cousins have trouble written all over 'em. Give it up before you end up "sleepin' with the soybeans" yourself.
SOUND FX: FRONT DOOR OPENS AND WE HEAR TWO MEN ENTER THE STORE, TALKING TO EACH OTHER AS THEY COME THROUGH THE DOOR. THEY'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION.
HARMON
Looks like we got customers. I'm gonna take these radishes on back to the kitchen and get the day started. 
SAL BAMBINO
(off mic)
Well, yeah, that's what I was sayin'! Isn't that what I was sayin'? 

SFX: LIFTING RADISH BOX AND FOOTSTEPS - HARMON LEAVING, NICK AND SAL APPROACHING THE COUNTER, EVENTUALLY KITCHEN DOOR CLOSING IN THE DISTANCE. FOLLOWING DIALOG UNDER SFX.

NICK COSTELLO
Didn't sound like it to me, Sal. Sounded to me like you were saying LILIES was the way to go.
SAL BAMBINO
(Following Nick)
What's wrong with lilies?
NICK COSTELLO
NOTHIN'S wrong with lilies! I like lilies! Lilies are beautiful! We can't do lilies!
SAL BAMBINO
Aaugh, you're confusin' me again, Nick. I like lilies, YOU like lilies, but we can't do lilies!
NICK COSTELLO
That's right, we can't. Shut up about the lilies, we got business here.
(To Virgil)
Good morning. How are you, sir.
VIRGIL
Oh, fair to partly cloudy, I guess. How 'bout yourself?
NICK COSTELLO
Fair to partly cloudy! Ya hear that, Sal? We're livin' the country life now, aren't we!
SAL BAMBINO
You're right about that, Nick.
NICK COSTELLO
So we just bought a place down near Crooked Gut —
SAL BAMBINO
(Off mic)
Heh-heh. Crooked Gut. LOVE that name.
VIRGIL
Oh, newcomers! Well, welcome to the Muckey Landing Market, Diner and Hardware Emporium! I'm Virgil Slatter, I'm the owner.
NICK COSTELLO
Nice to meet you, Mr. Slatter —
VIRGIL
Call me Virgil — this is a small town, we're all on a first-name basis here.
NICK COSTELLO
How about that! You hear that, Sal? First names only!
SAL BAMBINO
I like that!
VIRGIL
Yep, everybody knows everybody around here!
SAL BAMBINO
THAT I don't like so much.
NICK COSTELLO
(Laughing)
Eh, he's kidding! Such a kidder. You'll get used to him, he's always jokin' around.
SAL BAMBINO
No I'm not.
NICK COSTELLO
Well, glad to meet ya, Virgil. I'm Nick, Nick Costello.
SAL BAMBINO
(Quietly)
What the hell happened to 'first names only'?
NICK COSTELLO
(Quietly)
I'm bein' polite.
SAL BAMBINO
(Quietly)
Why?
NICK COSTELLO
(To Sal, pointedly)
Because this isn't New York, and I wasn't raised by wolves. INTRODUCE YOURSELF.
SAL BAMBINO
(Heavy sigh)
Sal.
NICK COSTELLO
Go on...
SAL BAMBINO
OK. Sal...vatore. That's as far as I'm comfortable with right now.
VIRGIL
No problem, Sal.
NICK COSTELLO
It's actually Sal Bambino. He's in therapy.
(To Sal)
Stop being so paranoid. These are nice people here.
VIRGIL
So, you just bought a place here. Vacation home?
SAL BAMBINO
More like a place to lay low for a while —
NICK COSTELLO
(Covering)
— and RELAX! Yes! It's kind of a  PERMANENT vacation. We're, um... retired.

SFX: DOOR OPENS, STREET SOUNDS, BELL RINGS AS MITCH POHUNK ENTERS, CLOSES DOOR, VERY SLOW FOOTSTEPS

VIRGIL
Well, congratulations! Retirement! Man, I'd love that. Say, I heard you mention New York - is that where you're from?
NICK COSTELLO
New York, that's right.
SAL BAMBINO
Not me.
VIRGIL
Oh, yeah? Where you from?
SAL BAMBINO
South Philly.
VIRGIL
Well, that's practically part of Delaware right there.
MITCH POHUNK
(Off mic and hungover, approaching Virgil)
Hey, Virgil.
VIRGIL
Excuse me just a minute.
(Moving away a few steps)
Be right with you, Mitch. Got some customers. New folks in town.
MITCH POHUNK
(Off mic)
No need. Harmon in the kitchen yet?
NICK COSTELLO
You left Philadelphia when you were eighteen. After twenty-six years in the Bronx, I think you can say you're from New York.
VIRGIL
Yep. He's got the coffee goin', and from the smell of it, I'd say he's workin' on fryin' up some scrapple.
SAL BAMBINO
My parents would kill me. They'd say I was denying my birthright and my heritage.

MITCH POHUNK
(Off mic, moving off)
Good. I need to get something in my stomach to cushion my breakfast bourbon.
NICK COSTELLO
They died twelve years ago,
(NICK and SAL )
(TOGETHER)
God rest their souls.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS MITCH HEADS TO DINER COUNTER

VIRGIL
(To Nick and Sal)
So, New York, huh? What part?
NICK COSTELLO
The Bronx, actually.
SAL BAMBINO
And Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens —
NICK COSTELLO
He doesn't need to know all that, Sal.
SAL BAMBINO
— New Jersey, Staten Island, Long Island —
NICK COSTELLO
SAL!
SAL BAMBINO
(Quickly)
— Florida and sometimes Vegas. That's it.
VIRGIL
Wow. I've lived here in Muckey Landing my whole life. I can't imagine moving around that much. 
NICK COSTELLO
Nah, our home was in the Bronx. We just had business all those other places.
VIRGIL
Couple of busy beavers! So what kind of business were you fellas in?
SAL BAMBINO
Well, we were —
NICK COSTELLO
It's a small family business. Not very interesting, and anyway, now we're retired, so who wants to talk business?
VIRGIL
Gotcha.
NICK COSTELLO
Anyway, the guy up at the gas station on the highway —
VIRGIL
The Lube'n'Tune.
NICK COSTELLO
Yeah, that was it, the Lube'n'Tune.
SAL BAMBINO
(Off mic)
Heh-heh. Lube'N'Tune.
NICK COSTELLO
So the guy at the Lube'n'Tune --
VIRGIL
That would be Bob Firken.
SAL BAMBINO
(Off mic, laughing)
Firken? Too much!
NICK COSTELLO
Sal! Manners! 
(To Virgil)
You'll have to forgive Sal here. This is his first time down this way.
SAL BAMBINO
What are ya talkin' about, my first time? You forget about that casino job with the Scampi brothers --?
NICK COSTELLO
(Cutting him off)
SAL! That was New Jersey! You've never been HERE before. RIGHT?
SAL BAMBINO
Delaware's not part of New Jersey...? I did not know that.
VIRGIL
Most folks think Delaware's part of Pennsylvania.
SAL BAMBINO
I thought it was a river. Hey, I went to Catholic school. Once we learned the layout of Vatican City, we were pretty much done with geography.
NICK COSTELLO
So anyway, this Bob Firken person said this was the best place around if we needed to buy some construction materials and, uh... gardening supplies.
VIRGIL
Well, he'd be right about that. What are ya looking for?
NICK COSTELLO
I've got a list here.

SFX: PAPER BEING HANDED OVER

VIRGIL
Lessee what we got here... 
(Checking the list)
Cinder blocks, cement mix, couple of shovels, glass cutter, hacksaw, three boxes of ammo -- what caliber you need? Oh, wait, that says "thirty-eight," right?
NICK COSTELLO
Right. Excuse the handwriting. I wrote the list in the car, and Sal was driving way too fast, as usual.
SAL BAMBINO
You always complain about my driving. Why do you do that? Sometimes we need to go fast. I always manage to get you where you're going safe and sound, don't I?
NICK COSTELLO
You do, but you drive too fast. And you tailgate.
SAL BAMBINO
Nobody better at losing a tail, am I right?
NICK COSTELLO
SAL! You gotta remember we don't have as many buddies on the police force here as we did in the city. Until we do, ya gotta be careful out on the road.
SAL BAMBINO
(Bored)
Yeah, yeah.
NICK COSTELLO
(To Virgil)
There's a couple more items on the other side.
SFX: VIRGIL FLIPS PAPER
VIRGIL
Uh-huh... uh-huh...okay... Yeah, no problem! We got all this in stock, the only thing I'm gonna have to check on is the lime. I may only have five fifty-pound bags, and you need six.
NICK COSTELLO
We'll take whatever you got.
SAL BAMBINO
Did you put socks on the list?
NICK COSTELLO
No, I didn't put socks on the list! You and socks... what is this thing with you and socks? 
SAL BAMBINO
I like socks!
NICK COSTELLO
You don't need any more socks.
SAL BAMBINO
C'mon, Nick! This is the first time we've been here — I need socks from this place for my collection.
NICK COSTELLO
You've got enough souvenir socks to open your own stand on the Coney Island boardwalk. I'll bet if you did your own laundry, you'd only buy socks that match, in all the same color. Black is nice.
SAL BAMBINO
(To Virgil)
Hey, you don't happen to sell socks here, do ya? Like for tourists, you know, with a map of Delaware or somethin' like that on 'em.
VIRGIL
Sure do! In the Homeland Security and Cheap Souvenirs aisle. We're exclusive vendors for the Muskrat Love Pantry and Boudoir Collection - they do socks, panties, oven mitts, you name it, all with these cute little muskrats printed on 'em.
SAL BAMBINO
Hot damn!
VIRGIL
This is gonna be a pretty big load -- you fellas got a truck?
SAL BAMBINO
Do we look like truck drivers?
VIRGIL
No, you look more like tourists.
NICK COSTELLO
Don't be rude, Sal.
(To Virgil)
We're in that black Lincoln parked out front. I was hoping we could have it delivered.
VIRGIL
I'll give Booty Sheets a call and see if he's free to haul everything out to your place and unload it. You said you're out near Crooked Gut?
NICK COSTELLO
Correct.
VIRGIL
And is the delivery goin' to a home or to a business location?
SAL BAMBINO
Both.
NICK COSTELLO
We have what you call a home-based business. Kind of a hobby, nothing big.
VIRGIL
Okay, so Booty will charge you a flat rate of fourteen dollars and ninety-two cents, cash only, and you'll pay him the delivery fee directly when he shows up. 
NICK COSTELLO
Fourteen dollars and -
VIRGIL
-ninety-two cents. And he needs exact change.
SAL BAMBINO
That's weirdly specific. 
NICK COSTELLO
And cheap. Can't be based on distance, we're a ways out from here.
VIRGIL
No, it's based on 1492 being the only correct answer Booty ever gave on a history test. It's one of his only achievements in life so far, and he's afraid he'll forget it if he doesn't keep repeating it. He charges the same amount to everybody.
SAL BAMBINO
That's a really strange pricing system.
VIRGIL
Which would be explained by Booty being a really strange guy. If you ever met his mama, you'd understand. There's somethin' else you should know about Booty, aside from the fact that he's a lousy businessman.
NICK COSTELLO
What would that be?
VIRGIL
Well, Booty's a bit of a local character. We're used to him, but folks from out of town are sometimes a little shocked when they see him the first time.
SAL BAMBINO
What, is he some kind of freak? Like the Elephant Man or somethin'?
VIRGIL
Oh, no, he's a normal-lookin' guy, mostly. It's just that he makes some rather odd choices about how to dress in public. 
SAL BAMBINO
Oh, I had an aunt like that. Aunt Zella. Never wore a dress, only pants.
NICK COSTELLO
Lots of women wear pants, Sal.
SAL BAMBINO
Zella wore a tuxedo. She did well for herself running a business down near the docks and had money, so everybody just said she was "eccentric."
VIRGIL
With Booty, it's more what he doesn't wear.
NICK COSTELLO
Which is...?
VIRGIL
Pants.
NICK COSTELLO
He doesn't wear pants.
VIRGIL
Yeah. He usually just runs around in his BVDs, especially now that the weather's warmin' up. He's harmless, but you might wanna warn people at your house.
NICK COSTELLO
Well, it's just us, so no worries. But I'm glad you told me.
VIRGIL
It's gonna take me a while to check inventory and put together a price list for you. Do you wanna wait? Or you can come back in a bit, however you wanna do it.
SAL BAMBINO
That guy who came in said he was coming for breakfast. You do breakfast here?
VIRGIL
Sure do.
SAL BAMBINO
Why don't we grab some breakfast while we wait, Nick?
NICK COSTELLO
Sounds good.
VIRGIL
Harmon's our head chef. I don't know what the special is this morning, so ask him if you wanna know. Diner side's over that way, just follow the smell. 
NICK COSTELLO
Thanks.
SFX: NICK AND SAL WALKING OFF TOWARD THE DINER SIDE, VOICES FADING
SAL BAMBINO
Ya know, Nick, they did a good job at that little car wash.
NICK COSTELLO
That one up near the casino?
SAL BAMBINO
Yeah. They got those stains out of the carpet in the trunk without battin' an eye. I'll use them again.
NICK COSTELLO
Good to know.
SAL BAMBINO
I wanna go look at the socks first.
NICK COSTELLO
You and socks...

SFX: MUSIC STING

SC.2 INTERIOR - AT THE LUNCH COUNTER

SFX: RADIO PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC AND COMMERCIALS IN THE KITCHEN THAT CONTINUES THROUGHOUT THE SCENE. FRYING FROM THE KITCHEN. KITCHEN DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS AS HARMON GOES TO COUNTER AND SERVES 2 MUGS OF COFFEE

HARMON
(In his best perky waitress voice)
Here's your coffee. Sugar and creamers right here.

SFX: SLIDES SUGAR AND CREAMER HOLDER ACROSS COUNTER

Couple of menus...

SFX: PAPER MENUS HANDED OVER

... and I'll just give you a minute to look those over while I drop off this order for Mitch. I'll be back to take your order in just a couple of minutes, hun.

SFX: HARMON'S FOOTSTEPS GOING TO THE OTHER END OF THE COUNTER. UNDER THE FOLLOWING DIALOG: HARMON SETTING DOWN PLATE, CONVERSATION BETWEEN HARMON AND MITCH

NICK COSTELLO
Well, that was unexpected...
SAL BAMBINO
Did he just call us "hun"?
NICK COSTELLO
I believe he did.
SAL BAMBINO
Huh. Do you suppose he's...?
NICK COSTELLO
Probably. Check out the walk from the back... No, don't lean over and stare!
SAL BAMBINO
(Chuckling)
You just missed the pirouette when he poured coffee for that guy over there.
(Beat)
Huh. Didn't expect to see that out here in the sticks...
NICK COSTELLO
No, me neither...
SAL BAMBINO
Pass the sugar, will ya?
NICK COSTELLO
Sure, here ya go.
SAL BAMBINO
No, not the blue packet. Real sugar.
NICK COSTELLO
You know what the doctor said.
HARMON
(Off mic from other end of the counter)
We got the yellow packets if you like those better.
SAL BAMBINO
(Louder, to Harmon)
Nah, I'm good. I'll use the blue.

SFX: OPENING A SUGAR PACKET

SAL BAMBINO
(To Nick)
You're takin' all the fun outta life, Nick. You know that, don't you?
NICK COSTELLO
I'd just like to not have you drop dead on me.
SAL BAMBINO
I'm not gonna drop dead.
(Beat)
Hey, look! They got sticky buns! And SCRAPPLE!

SFX: LOOKING AT PAPER MENU

NICK COSTELLO
Scrapple? Never heard of it.
SAL BAMBINO
It's a Pennsylvania thing. Didn't know they had it down here. I haven't had scrapple since I was a kid!
NICK COSTELLO
Where do you see scrapple?
SAL BAMBINO
Right here, under Leftover Parts.
NICK COSTELLO
(Reading)
Yoders' souse, Yoders' bologna logs, Kirby and Holloway selections, Rapa scrapple... I don't recognize any of this stuff...
SAL BAMBINO
That reminds me — did you take your Prilosec this morning?
NICK COSTELLO
Of course I took my Prilosec. I always take my Prilosec. YOU'RE the one who needs all the reminders. That stupid robot lady of yours, Alice, Alicia, Altoona --
SAL BAMBINO
Alexa.

SFX: HARMON'S FOOTSTEPS RETURNING

NICK COSTELLO
Her! She pops off forty times a day, reminding you to take your pills, check the mail, go to bed -- makes me crazy!
HARMON
(Arriving — still the perky waitress)
Are we ready (to order)...
NICK COSTELLO
(Calmly, still talking to Sal)
I'm warnin' ya, Sal -- she gets on my nerves once too often, I'll get rid of her.
HARMON
(Slightly hesitant)
If you need a few more minutes --
NICK COSTELLO
One shot, boom! She's out with the trash, on her way to the dump.
HARMON
(Still trying to be the perky waitress, but trying to get away)
You know what? I'll come back in a minute... hun.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS HARMON TRIES TO MOVE AWAY

NICK COSTELLO
Wait.
HARMON
Yes sir, hun!
NICK COSTELLO
OK, I was gonna just place an order, but now, I gotta ask you something. You keep calling us "hun." Is that a Muckey Landing thing? 
SAL BAMBINO
Yeah, we're from New York, so we're not real familiar with, how do ya call it, the, uh... "the local dialect."
NICK COSTELLO
Sal, he's speaking English. It's not like "hun" is Swahili or something.
SAL BAMBINO
You know what I mean.
(To Harmon)
So, what's with the "hun," Mr. Perky?
NICK COSTELLO
(Sotto voce to Sal)
Sal! 
SAL BAMBINO
I'm just being friendly, is all.
NICK COSTELLO
Well, stop it. You're embarrassing me.
HARMON
No, it's OK! I'm callin' everybody "hun" this morning because that's what Evenrude does. The customers like it, and I don't wanna break the flow, hun.
NICK COSTELLO
Evenrude?
HARMON
Evenrude Twilley. She's waitin' tables for us this summer, only she called out today on account of she's goin' with Mercury and Yamaha to see The Tony Danza and Dawn Tribute Extravaganza tonight at Dover Downs, and it's gonna take her most of the day to put on her makeup. You know how it is, hun, girl's gotta make herself look pretty!
SAL BAMBINO
(To Nick)
Huh? What'd I tell ya?
NICK COSTELLO
(Under his breath to Sal)
Stop that! 
(To Harmon)
You said this girl is taking both a car AND a motorcycle to go see a show. I'm curious. Why is that?
HARMON
I'm not followin' ya.
NICK COSTELLO
You said she's goin' to the show with a Mercury and a Yamaha.
HARMON
Oh! No! Mercury's her brother, and Yamaha's her twin sister. Their daddy's hardcore into bass fishin'.
SAL BAMBINO
Tony Danza - isn't he dead?
HARMON
No, you're thinking of Matt Dillon, hun.
SAL BAMBINO
The guy from Gunsmoke?
HARMON
No, the guy from Bubba Ho-Tep.
SAL BAMBINO
The one with the chin?
HARMON
Yeah, him, hun.
SAL BAMBINO
I always get him mixed up with the guy from Ghostbusters.
HARMON
Now, HE'S dead, hun.
SAL BAMBINO
I did not know that. Did you know that, Nick? 
NICK COSTELLO
I did not, and if this round robin goes on any longer, I'm gonna have to shoot someone to put myself out of my misery.
HARMON
(Nervous again)
OK, that would probably be me 'cause it usually is, so no problem! I'll stop shootin' my mouth off, and you just stop... shootin'. My mouth is zipped. And right now, fairly dry. I think I'll just step back into the kitchen and get myself a glass of water.
(Beat)
Hun.
NICK COSTELLO
Stop that. And stay right where you are. I'm gonna place an order.
HARMON
Yes, sir! Absolutely, hun-SIR. 
NICK COSTELLO
Fine. I'd like a bagel, lightly toasted, with lox and a schmear.
HARMON
Locks?
NICK COSTELLO
Yeah, lox.
HARMON
On a bagel.
NICK COSTELLO
Correct. Lox on a bagel, with a schmear. You do serve lox, don't you?
HARMON
Well, we HAVE locks. I wouldn't exactly say we SERVE locks, though. It's more like we SELL 'em.
NICK COSTELLO
Well, then, can you SELL me some lox, on a bagel, with a schmear?
HARMON
Not here on the diner side.
NICK COSTELLO
Oh. What, you sell them on the grocery side? What have you got, like a build-your-own-bagel thing?
HARMON
Not exactly. You head toward the groceries, but take a right at the Homeland Security and Cheap Souvenirs aisle until you get to the Burglar Tools, Hubcaps and Fresh Bait section.
SAL BAMBINO
You keep lox in the bait cooler?
HARMON
God, no, that would be weird. They're NEXT to the bait cooler, in a bin next to the school supplies.
NICK COSTELLO
Of course. Because that's not weird at all.
HARMON
Not around here. Where do you usually find lox?
NICK COSTELLO
In a  deli on a bagel with a schmear. You know what? Forget the lox, I don't think I wanna chance it.
SAL BAMBINO
Yeah, I wouldn't.
NICK COSTELLO
Just give me the bagel. With a schmear, very light.
HARMON
With a schmear?
NICK COSTELLO
Yes, with a schmear. Very light.
HARMON
A very light schmear.
NICK COSTELLO
Correct.
HARMON
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
NICK COSTELLO
I hate to ask, but why?
HARMON
'Cause I'm afraid I don't wanna tell you I'm fresh outta schmears.
SAL BAMBINO
You're outta cream cheese? Damn. I was gonna try one of those jalapeno cream cheese bologna rolls.
NICK COSTELLO
For breakfast? With your acid reflux?
HARMON
Oh, wait! A schmear is cream cheese! Yes! Got that! I HAVE cream cheese! Whew!
(Beat)
Boy, you New Yorkers kinda got your own language, dontcha?
NICK COSTELLO
OK, so a bagel with cream cheese.
HARMON
Okay, see, here's another one of those things I'm afraid to tell you, on account of I'm not real sure what the consequences might be, but wouldn't ya know it --
NICK COSTELLO
You're fresh outta bagels
HARMON
I'm fresh outta bagels.
NICK COSTELLO
Forget the bagel, I gotta watch the carbs anyway. How about some Greek yogurt topped with granola, and a slice of avocado toast on the side.
HARMON
Okayyy... Hmmmm...
NICK COSTELLO
There's a problem with that.
HARMON
Just a little teeny one.
NICK COSTELLO
What do you happen to be fresh out of?
HARMON
Yogurt and granola. Actually, I don't even stock it. Folks around here think it tastes like sour milk topped with shredded cardboard.
NICK COSTELLO
What do you suggest, then?
HARMON
I could sprinkle some instant oatmeal on a bowl of banana puddin'.
NICK COSTELLO
Pass. Tell me about the next thing you're fresh out of. 
HARMON
Um... can't think of anything right now. Why don't you tell me what you want, and I'll tell you I'm out of it. If I am. Out of it.
NICK COSTELLO
Seems like that's what we've just been doing, but OK. Let me start with something easy. You got bread?
HARMON
(Relieved)
Yes! Yes, I do!
NICK COSTELLO
That's one. Moving on. Do you have lemons?
HARMON
Yes! Lemons! I got lemons, lots and of lemons! More lemons than you can shake a stick at!
NICK COSTELLO
Wonderful. Now, last try -- something a little more out of the ordinary.
HARMON
Oh, shit.
NICK COSTELLO
Do you have... avocados?
HARMON
Yes! I HAVE avocados! Three for three! Yay, me! 
NICK COSTELLO
Fine. Avocado toast it is.
HARMON
Did I win something? Kinda felt like I won something there.
NICK COSTELLO
Besides the pleasure of making me happy? No.
HARMON
Oh. Yeah. Good enough.
NICK COSTELLO
Sal? You know what you want?
SAL BAMBINO
Hmmm... I don't know if I want a sticky bun or the bologna roll...decisions, decisions...
NICK COSTELLO
Take the bun, leave the bologna.
SAL BAMBINO
Yeah... no. Bologna roll. I'll take the bologna roll.
NICK COSTELLO
I don't know why I bother to talk to you. You never listen to me.
SAL BAMBINO
I heard you.
NICK COSTELLO
That's not the same thing.
HARMON
SO! Jalapeno or pickles in that cream cheese, hun...
SAL BAMBINO
Jalapeno.
NICK COSTELLO
Oh my God.
HARMON
You got it, hun!
SAL BAMBINO
What's today's special?
HARMON
That's the Cluck and Squeal Platter. Three eggs any way you want 'em, grits with butter, hash browns, a homemade biscuit with gravy, and your choice of bacon, sausage or scrapple.
NICK COSTELLO
May I ask, what exactly is scrapple?
HARMON
Well, it starts out as a mush of ground-up pig parts and corn meal, then they mold it into a brick, and you cut slices off it to cook it. I either fry it up medium so you get the full liver taste, or extra-crispy so it just tastes burnt. I serve it with a side of apple butter to slather on top if you don't want to taste it at all.
NICK COSTELLO
Pass.
SAL BAMBINO
The special sounds great, I'll have that.
NICK COSTELLO
Sal! The cholesterol!
HARMON
(Back to being perky waitress)
Good choice! How do you want your eggs, hun?
SAL BAMBINO
Over easy.
HARMON
Bacon, sausage or scrapple, hun?
SAL BAMBINO
Medium scrapple with apple butter, plus a side of bacon.
NICK COSTELLO
Sal, really?
SAL BAMBINO
I'm hungry! 
HARMON
Anything else?
SAL BAMBINO
I'm still thinking about that sticky bun...
NICK COSTELLO
No you're not.
(To Harmon)
That's it. Nothing else.
HARMON
Alrighty! That's one jalapeno bologna roll, Cluck and Squeal platter with medium scrapple, apple butter and extra bacon, and an order of avocado toast. Comin' right up, huns!
SFX: FOOTSTEPS, SAL AND NICK'S VOICES START TO FADE AS HARMON WALKS TOWARD THE KITCHEN 
SAL BAMBINO
So, listen, getting back to business. I don't mind doin' the digging, but you think I can make the next one we do a little more shallow? 

KITCHEN DOOR OPENS, RADIO GETS LOUDER

That last one almost killed me.
HARMON
(To himself)
Holy shit. Who ARE those guys?

SFX: FOOTSTEPS, KITCHEN DOOR CLOSES 

SAL BAMBINO
Nick. Did you hear what I said?
NICK COSTELLO
(Snippy)
I'm not talking to you right now.
SAL BAMBINO
Ah, jeez, here we go...
NICK COSTELLO
(Accusingly)
I know you, Sal. I saw you looking at him...

SFX: COUNTRY MUSIC RISES AND/OR MUSIC STING FOR SCENE CHANGE

SCENE 3: BACK AT THE FRONT COUNTER

VIRGIL
(On the phone)
Okay, Booty, you got that?..

SFX: HARMON RUNNING TO FRONT COUNTER FROM THE KITCHEN

VIRGIL
Right, just keep goin' out on Big Stone Beach Road and look for the Crooked Gut turn-off --
HARMON
Virgil! Virgil!
VIRGIL
(To Booty on the phone)
You got it, about a half-a-mile down on the right... 
HARMON
(Tapping his hand on the counter to get Virgil's attention)
VIRGIL!
VIRGIL
Hang on, Booty.
(To Harmon)
Harmon! I'll be done in a second, just wait a minute!
(To Booty)
Yep, told him... yep, fourteen dollars and ninety-two cents... Yep, told him about the pants...
HARMON
(In a loud whisper)
VIRGIL!
VIRGIL
Booty, I need to go, Harmon needs me for somethin'... Okay. Lemme know if you have any problems. Bye.

SFX: HANGS UP THE PHONE

VIRGIL
Okay, Harmon, tell me what's so all-fired important you gotta interrupt me while I'm talking with Booty Sheets. It's hard enough to hear him with his mama yelling at him in the background without having you yelling at me in the foreground!
HARMON
He's got his mama with him in the truck?
VIRGIL
She needed airin' out.
HARMON
Sorry, Virg, but you gotta hear this. I've got something pretty important on my mind, and --
VIRGIL
Well, THAT'S different. Maybe we should hold a parade to commemorate the moment.
HARMON
I'm not kidding, Virg!
VIRGIL
Neither am I.
HARMON
It's about those two guys who were in here a while ago!
VIRGIL
What, the New York guys?
HARMON
Yeah, those two. So --
VIRGIL
Nice fellas.
HARMON
You won't think that when I tell you what I heard.
VIRGIL
Harmon, you have got to stop being so suspicious of strangers. I liked 'em, they were nice as could be. A little hard to understand, but nice guys.
HARMON
Yeah, but you didn't -
VIRGIL
Mitch liked 'em, too - he chatted with 'em a bit while you were in the kitchen cookin' their order. 
HARMON
Yeah, but if you heard --
VIRGIL
They put in a big order. Booty's on his way out there now with the delivery. Paid cash, too.
HARMON
Booty's headin' out to their place?
VIRGIL
Isn't that what I just said?
HARMON
Oh, I don't know if that's a real good idea, Virg.
VIRGIL
No, it's OK. I told 'em about the pants.
HARMON
That's NOT what I'm -- LOOK, Virgil, you send Booty out there, and you know what could happen?
VIRGIL
No. What could happen?
HARMON
Booty could go out there, and he could SEE something, or HEAR something, or DO something, or whtever, and he'd be too stupid not to shoot his mouth off about what he saw or heard or did, and THEN you know what would happen?
VIRGIL
No. What would happen?
HARMON
They'd make Booty tell 'em who sent him out there! And Booty would tell 'em!
VIRGIL
Oh, this is ridiculous. Harmon. I told 'em I'd call Booty and he'd make the delivery, so they already know who sent him! 
HARMON
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!
VIRGIL
Now cut that out! What has got you so worked up? You said you heard something? 
HARMON
Oh, right, I forgot that part. Sorry, I was too busy panicking.
VIRGIL
As usual. So what did you hear?
HARMON
Right. Okay. So, I guess after they talked to you about their order, they came over to the lunch counter - only since it was morning and everybody was ordering breakfast, I guess I should say they came over to the breakfast counter --
VIRGIL
Skip that part.
HARMON
Oh, OK. So they came over and sat down at the counter. The big guy was carrying a pair of those Muskrat Love socks, the yellow ones with the two little pink muskrats kissing on the side? I think maybe he got them for his wife or his girlfriend or something, although you never know, ya know, you can't make assumptions about people, and they were a size extra-large, and I don't wanna be sexist or anything -
VIRGIL
Short version, Harmon.
HARMON
Right. So they ordered two coffees, which I brought out, and then there was some discussion about sugar, and then I brought out their coffees and Mitch's order. I dropped off the coffees and gave 'em menus, and then I went down to the other end to give Mitch his order, and of course he'd been doctorin' his coffee with bourbon from that flask he carries and was startin' to perk up, so I stayed and talked with him for a couple of minutes, and then I went back to take their orders -- and THAT'S when I heard it.
VIRGIL
Heard what?
HARMON
Heard 'em plannin' to kill somebody!
VIRGIL
Do WHAT?
HARMON
Yeah, they're gonna kill some woman! The little guy says he's tired of listening to her, so he's gonna shoot her!
VIRGIL
Oh, come on! You must have misunderstood what they were saying.
HARMON
No, Virgil, I heard 'em! Heard 'em clear as day. The little guy said he was tired of hearing her talk all the time, so he was gonna get rid of her! "One shot, boom!," that's what he said! And then he said he was gonna haul her body out to the dump!
VIRGIL
You sure you didn't just mis-hear what they were sayin'?
HARMON
No! I was standing right in front of 'em, ready to take their orders! Made my blood run cold, I tell ya. Just plain cold-blooded, that's what it is. That little guy especially.
VIRGIL
The little guy, you mean whats-his-name... Nick? He said that right in front of you? What did you do?
HARMON
Oh, I was smart, I played dumb --
VIRGIL
Not much of a stretch...
HARMON
And I tried to hightail it back into the kitchen, but then they wanted to ask all kinds of questions about Tony Danza and Evenrude and Bubba Ho-Tep and the menu and I don't know what all --
VIRGIL
They asked about Evenrude? I don't like the sound of that. Why did they want to know about Evenrude?
HARMON
I don't know, she just came up for some reason. I was so nervous after I heard about them talking about rubbin' out that lady that I was having a hard time followin' the conversation. Oh! And the little guy kept on talkin' about locks! And bagels! I couldn't figure it out in the heat of the moment, but now I'm thinking it was maybe some kind of safecracker code!
VIRGIL
I dunno, Harmon...
HARMON
But WAIT! Just as I was goin' back into the kitchen to cook their orders, they started talkin' about it again!
VIRGIL
About what, safecrackin'?
HARMON
No! About getting rid of the body! The big guy apparently didn't like the idea of haulin' her out to the dump, so he was gonna bury her in a shallow grave instead!
VIRGIL
Seriously?
HARMON
Swear to God! And this isn't the first time they've done this, neither! He said the last one they killed almost killed HIM! Musta been a shoot-out.
VIRGIL
No kiddin'. Hmmm... You know, that shopping list of theirs was a little suspicious, now that I hear what you're sayin'...
HARMON
What'd they buy?
VIRGIL
Hang on, I've got the whole list right here...

SFX: VIRGIL PULLING LIST OUT OF HIS POCKET AND OPENING IT

Cinder blocks, cement mix, two shovels, glass cutter, hacksaw, three boxes of thirty-eight special ammo... 
HARMON
Holy shit, Virg...
VIRGIL
And three hundred pounds of lime.
HARMON
To dissolve all the bodies!
(Suspiciously)
Just like that Walter Winchell guy makin' the meth out there in the Alabama desert...
VIRGIL
Walter Winchell didn't run a  meth lab, Harmon.
HARMON
Doesn't matter! Virgil, I think we got ourselves a pair of real-life wise guys here!
VIRGIL
Wise guys?
HARMON
Yeah, you know... wise guys! Made men! Goodfellas!
VIRGIL
Well, I thought they were goo fellas, but after what you're tellin' me --
HARMON
You don't get it, Virg! I'm talkin' mafiosios - the MAFIA! Right here in Muckey Landing!
(Suspiciously)
And I'll just bet that mean little guy is actually... the GODFATHER...
VIRGIL
But they seemed so nice...
HARMON
They're vicious killers, Virgil. Be careful, or you'll wind up with your dog's head in your bed. 
VIRGIL
Aloysius already sleeps in my bed. Puts his head right on my pillow, the little dickens.
HARMON
Yeah, but the rest of him isn't in the next room when he does it. So what are we gonna do, Virg?
VIRGIL
(With a sigh)
Much as I hate to say it, I think we need to call Chief Cheefe.
HARMON
And stop Booty Sheets.
VIRGIL
Right.
HARMON
And buy a new toaster.
VIRGIL
Wait, what? Why do we need a new toaster?
HARMON
Apparently you can't toast avocados in the old one.

SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS, TRAFFIC, FOOTSTEPS AS NICK ENTERS

NICK COSTELLO
(Yelling back out the door at Sal)
No, Sal! Stay in the car, and keep the engine running! It's your fault I gotta do this!
HARMON
Oh, shit...

SFX: MUSIC UNDER

OUTRO - NARRATOR
Hi there - I'm Chris Polo, creator of Muckey Landing. I want to share something we're pretty excited about - Muckey Landing has been named an official selection of three festivals this year: the Miami Web Series Festival, the New Jersey Web Festival, and the Apulia Web Fest in Apulia, Italy! We'll definitely be going to New Jersey at the end of September and hope to get to Miami as well, if we can swing it, and would love to meet any of our local listeners while we're there, so hit us up!

Also, I want to give a special shout-out to our listeners in France and Israel - thank you for keeping us at the top of your Comedy Fiction charts this summer! For our French listeners, je parle francais, alors ecrivez-nous en francais si vous voulez! To our listeners in Israel, I can't ask you in Hebrew to write us , but we'd also love to hear from you! That goes to all our international listeners -- email us any time at "mail at Muckey Landing dot com." 

Now I need to tell you about all the wonderful people behind our little production. "Lox, Socks and Two Smoked Bolognas" featured Mike Polo as Virgil Slatter, Bruce Leister as Harmon Truesdale, Kevin Smith as Mitch Pohunk, John Zinzi as Nick Costello, and Steve Capariccio as Sal Bambino.
Sound design and editing is by Mike Polo, and our theme song and incidental music is written and performed by the poetically infraggable Jim Rezac. For more of Jim's music, check out JimRezacMusic.com.
If you're enjoying Muckey Landing, a Sort of a Podcast, send us an email at mail at Muckey Landing.com. And we always appreciate it any time you leave us a rating or review on Apple Podcasts, Podchaser, Spotify, or wherever you rate and review podcasts. You can't believe what a thrill it is for us when we hear from listeners -- that's the only way we really have of knowing there's anybody out there listening to our show! You can also support us by leaving Harmon a tip to buy bologna at BuyMeACoffee.com/MuckeyLanding. And finally, visit our hardly-ever-updated website, where you can buy official Muckey Landing hats, t-shirts and other merchandise. Please, tell your friends about us, thank you for listening, and we'll talk at ya next time!
BRING UP MUSIC TO END OR FADE
#END#